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Former Dancers Stories
My parents were great people. They did what
they knew to do to raise two girls and a boy. We had many opportunities
to "expand our horizons". We never had a need for anything that money
could buy. When I was 14 I spent the night at a friends house. She
invited a boy over that I had not yet met, but whom I desired to know.
This boy raped me that night. I never went through the recovery of the
rape and began drinking to numb the pain. When I was 16 I had my first
abortion and at 18 I began smoking pot. I got married at 20 and six
months into my marriage pornography was introduced. Soon after, I tried
my first line of cocaine and so began a drug and sexual addiction that
lasted for over thirteen years. I never felt guilty for these things
because I had been successful in many aspects of my life. I was an
accomplished violinist, a prosperous businesswoman and in my mind had
been a good wife and mother. I had been in management, sold cars, sold
communications to large corporations and had a thriving manicuring
business for 10 years. My children were always polite and in gifted
programs at school & my husband was the best Service Manager in his
region winning many awards. The cocaine addiction lasted 10 years and
included job loss, ruined credit & criminal charges. One day, someone
suggested I was pretty enough to be a dancer (stripper). My husband and
I had talked a lot about this as a possibility of employment for me for
a long time. We were addicted to pornography and we saw nothing wrong
with strip clubs. We would go into them for our own entertainment, to
"spice up" our sex life. When in actuality, there was a distance in our
relationship. We did not communicate well unless we were high and we
used pornography as a stimulus in the bedroom. So my husband and I went
to the Deja Vu, the local strip club, to see if it was a "classy" enough
place for me to work. In December 1994 I entered an amateur contest and
won $50.00. I thought this was wonderful! I was 32 years old. The
managers told me how glamorous and sexy I was. They told me that I
would make tons of money. They made me feel special and they made me
feel pretty. I later discovered that they told all the potential
dancers this lie just to lure them into stripping. I wasn't special at
all, I was just another prospect to be used to earn them (the managers)
more money. By February 1995, I was a "showgirl". This was the
fulfillment of a fantasy. I wanted to know that I was "sexy" enough to
be the "centerfold" of my husband's life. The pornography we consumed
made me feel that I never quite measured up in regard to my sexuality. I
felt like I was always competing with the women in the porn magazines
and videos that my husband and I bought and poured over every month. I
thought that if I could just become a stripper that I would finally be
the one he would fantasize about. In addition, I knew that in the strip
clubs I would have the ability to make a fast and easy buck. I thought
that this would be perfect. I could make enough money to support our
drug habit and be the sexiest thing in my husband's life all at the same
time. Boy, was I in a state of disillusionment! So I began what I
thought would be a lifelong career as a stripper. I planned to work my
way to the top. I wanted to be a Playboy Centerfold and maybe even
Playmate of the Year. But stripping was not the glamorous job that the
porn industry made it out to be. After the newness wore off I began to
realize that this was just a place of prostitution and addiction. It was
dark and dirty. I pretended that the men who came to see me genuinely
liked me. I pretended the girls I worked with were sincere in their
friendships with me. I lived in a world of pseudo relationships, false
intimacy, and became deeply addicted to the drugs I was using. I would
smoke pot to numb the pain of the place I called "work". I had to get
stoned to get naked on stage because I felt so degraded and humiliated.
I was loved for my body parts not my character. I was bit, hit, pinched,
and grabbed every night that I worked. What I thought would be the most
glamorous job, turned out to be the most dirty, humiliating, degrading
job. Long story short, we started going to church. I needed God and He
began to demand that I adjust my life. So, with quite a bit of struggle,
I quit smoking pot. God said that was good, but required more from me.
All of a sudden, I could not make money like I had before and I knew
stripping was wrong. I took a leap of faith that He would provide for my
family and I. I quit the Deja Vu and began looking for an "honest" job.
Two days later my husband, who had been unemployed for two years due to
a car accident, found a job in his field of expertise. The Lord
eventually placed me in an organization where I had a Christian boss and
where I met my spiritual mom. With God's grace, I hope to redeem some of
the time I wasted being "wasted". Grace & Peace,
Le Anne's Story
My memories of
childhood are mostly painful ones. I lived in constant fear of losing
everything; my family, and my home. Alcoholism played a major role in my
family. Needless to say, I had a very unstable life. The only stability
I had was that we went to church. Even that was short lived; we quit
going when I was twelve.
By the time I
reached fourteen, I had totally rebelled. I hated my life so much; I
just had to get away. I ended up pregnant and eventually gave my baby up
for adoption. This alienated me from my family even more.
I moved out and
got a job at seventeen. My life still wasn't what I thought it should
be. I felt there was something missing. When I became pregnant again at
the age of nineteen, I was elated. Finally, I would have someone to love
and that someone would love me back.
I had my little
boy, Matthew, shortly before my twentieth birthday. I was totally on my
own in raising him. His father made it very clear that he was not going
to be a father. He walked out on us when Matt turned two months old.
I ended up
working four jobs to support us. I could not keep up the pace for long
though. I lost everything I owned and ended up in a homeless shelter.
That's when I decided to work in a topless club.
My friend had
told me how much money I could make so, I decided to give it a try. She
was right! Within a week, I had enough money to get an apartment. I
thought this was the greatest thing to ever happen to me.
After a couple of
years, I didn't think it was so great anymore. I had to drink to deal
with my job. I tried to drown all the pain with alcohol and drugs. I
went through numerous relationships (abusive). Still looking for someone
to love me, I got married. That didn't work out either. Our marriage
seemed doomed from the start. I left my husband and moved in with
another man shortly after. We ended up having twins together, which, I
later ended up losing.
I felt like I had
nothing to live for. In June of 1997, I tried to kill myself. I
eventually recovered and went back to work. I desperately wanted out of
the business. Every time I had tried to get out it never worked.
Finally, I let God back into my life. He showed me a way when there was
no other. It was very hard to do but He was with me every step of the
way. I was out of the business three months when the Lord sent me a
wonderful gift. "New Life/ New Friends. "I don't know
where I would be today if it weren't for them. This is a very needed
ministry. There are so many girls that are hurting in those clubs. Girls
with no hope. I should know, I was once one of those girls. Not anymore,
though. Now I have hope and know that life is worth living.
Drugs, Alcohol &
Money. That was my whole life. I was brought up in a dysfunctional
family and had a low self-esteem. As I grew older into an adult I didn't
know anything about life. It felt like I didn't belong anywhere and had
no place to go. A couple of friends of mine were in the adult
entertainment business and I saw what I thought was happiness because of
the glamour and the money. Through time I decided to become a dancer. I
found that I was losing my soul and I wasn't happy at all even though I
had a lot of money. It was hard but I got out of the business. After
that I fought the temptation of going back to the business. My therapist
had heard about a
that was reaching out to dancers and she suggested I call. I gave
them a call and it
was the start of my new life.
New Life/New Friends has
helped me so much and I don't think I would be here today without them
and God. I never knew that there was a way out of the hole I dug for
myself. New Life/ New Friends has shown me there is a way to get out of that
hole. They accepted me for who I was.
I have learned so
much. I have learned what it means to love and to be loved
unconditionally. New Life/ New Friends has supplied me with support and the 12
Steps, which teaches me how to recover and live a spiritual life. I used
to be afraid of God and think he hadn't loved me because I was so bad.
Now because of my involvement with New Life/New Friends, I love God and I know
he loves me.
helped me get into an apartment. I couldn't have done it by myself. I
finally have a home of my own. I am now working at a place that I love.
I never thought I would have a job that I loved and where I would find
acceptance. I no longer have the desire to drink or use drugs. I look
forward to each day. I am so grateful to God. I no
longer feel like I don't belong anywhere and have no place to go. Everyone deserves
a chance and there is a way out!